Monday, Oct. 26, 2009
Posted before I can change my mind
I've tried time and time again to write something that would summarise the past 2 months. But time and time again I'd delete the six paragraphs I wrote, and close the browser.
I can't quite do it yet: a breaking down and analysis of this time. I'm still in the midst of it, like a dream; when the light breaks apart into a million mirrors through golden leaves, or when the moon hangs low over a red brick building (with a very cute -- but young -- boy next to me haha), or as a group walks by debating the finer points of Nazi socialism I think: holy fuck I'm here. I'm in America, where I can study whatever the fuck I want.
Which I can't quite reconcile with the mundanity of it all. The teethbrushing and shitty monthly periods -- they still go on, as do the days when nothing seems to happen, when the meaning of life and the point of it all lies suspended somewhere out of reach, out of sight. Keep searching.
I don't know. Have you ever read Wicked? In which college age students talk endlessly about politics and philosophy and the things they care about, unabashedly, without shame... I had hoped that, that I could become something like that: fearless, unflinching, undoubting. Not like someone still unaware of his fallibility, but like one who knows but dares to say and do and love anyway.
I'm still stuck in the middle, I think. I hoped that college will be a time of transition (Wicked was written by a Tufts alum), but... I don't know. Maybe I'll only get peace when I come to accept that I am who I am, and that's life.
For now I'm just going to study, well, everything. :)
written at 8:09 pm
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