Saturday, Sept. 06, 2008
Freak Accident
I dreamed that I was in a school lift, with some random students. I didn't really have to be there, but my friend wanted me to accompany her somewhere. And so I did. But the lift went up and beyond the 7th floor, and then the cable broke. And in the moments between the first lurch and certain doom I managed to write a short essay; it was printed in the newspapers, and the reviewer said it "provided great insight into the mind of a normal teenager moments before impending doom."
--
I need to talk to someone. Unfortunately I'm all alone at home, and I don't think a phone call is justified, given that I don't even know what I want to talk about.
Nobody's online. Nobody I'd be comfortable talking (typing, some substitute) to, anyway. So again I fall back on... blogging, to keep up the illusion that I'm communicating with someone. A one-sided conversation is better than none, I guess, and perhaps it has come to the point where I'm more comfortable baring my inner thoughts to a blank silence than a human being.
It's not prelims, is it? I should do well enough, as long as I maintain a clarity of thought. But the exams have brought all other aspects of life to a standstill, and the absence of all that noise has again revealed the utter vastness and emptiness of this existential space.
Yeah, I know. Harping on the lack of meaning again. But not just eternal meaning, for... face it. I don't have a clear purpose in life. Yes, I'm young, I'm not expected to know yet. But the truth is I'm still hazy on what I like and what I am like.
I think I know myself, but really, I don't. Some of the characteristics I attach to myself are in fact ideals; I just want to see myself that way. And the darker, meaner aspects of myself... I can't bear to look. No doubt you feel the same way. (Note my use of the second person to simulate a conversation. Aren't I clever?)
I really, really need to get out of this system. It's unhealthy; it's making me feel all dark and moody. We wouldn't want that, now, would we? More teen suicides would make upping the birthrate an issue of even greater priority.
That said... my family's back. :)
written at 10:32 pm
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